Temptations

Hi again. Sorry about the long time between drinks. But here is my next post, hope you enjoy.

It's the whole family that confuses you. For so long, too long, you've been telling yourself, "She's so confusing." She is the variable to all your constants and the constant to all your variables. No matter what you think you've worked out, you catch up with her and then it catches up with you. You're playing snakes and ladders and just landed on the biggest snake of them all: back to square one. But now you realise, it's him as well.

You remember those few times you were with her and how much you loved it. How much you want it again. Regardless of what you want the rest of the time. So often the sculpted pectorals and washboard abs walk out of the fantasy. Replaced by her feminine body. But, you like it just as much. You can match these visions with memories. Remember the way her touch felt to your skin. It was just a few times, and the rest, so horrible, but those moments, you could live forever off those moments if only they had more substance in your present.

And then the next day, you're at soccer practice. You're in a drill with him. Jostling for the airspace to get the header. You know you shouldn't like it and you don't, really. No, truth is, you love it, crave it, like nothing else. You look at him, inconspicuously, every now and then, and sometimes you can see her in him. Only rarely, but it's there and you hate yourself for it. You wish with all your being that him and her weren't related. That you could take two bites at the cherry pie.

You see his hair, cut just like you think it should be cut. His skin, tanned, just the way you think it should be. His height fits those images you have of him lifting you up and carrying you in his arms. His strong arms. You hadn't noticed any of these things before. Not when you knew him little and definitely not when you were with her. But now, more and more, you see him with golden lining and a cherry on top. You don't see your ex's brother. No, now, he's much more than that. At least, in your imagination he is. For that's all it is. You speak to him only the smallest bit more. Have only the tiniest bit more to do with him. You know nothing more about him. You don't know his favourite colour or what shows he likes. But most of all you don't know if he's interested and it's killing you. Because it is, just so, so very confusing. How can you want both? How can you be sure you are inclined one way, and then have her have you thinking it through again. Only her. Until you see him again and you know. Until it's her turn again...